driveustobemad: (Fuck everything)
And soon enough, I get to go on a plane, play nice with Sofu and pray to god she's mellowed out and we can go back to the way things were before the hospital.

I'm not ready for this. I'm feeling sick to my stomach and scared and not ready to deal with her. i thought I was but I'm relaly, really not.

If I didn't think it would bite me in the ass, I would miss my second flight and hang out in Philly for the next few days.
driveustobemad: (What fresh hell is this?)
Fuck my brain.

I just want to curl up in a ball and cry but I can't bring myself to do it bcuase I did that once already and I feel stupid and useless and I don't even know.

I'm distancing myself and being dumb because I feel like I don't deserve people and don't deserve anything and just.....Goddamnit, what the fuck is this?

I'm going to hope it's just sleep deprivation and caffeine.

I'm just....going to curl up on this bench and read. Or plot things. Or something. Anything to make me feel less stupid and dumb.

God, sometimes I wish I got angry instead of depressed, anger would be so much easier to deal with.
driveustobemad: (it's crowded today)
So, we are all lazing around and I just had this moment, this moment of being really content.

Sherlock and I are tossing around ideas for an anthology that I want to write for,, Vincent is doing readings, Molly is making tea, Saturday is dancing with the Doctor and just....I don't know, it's quiet day but it's nice.

William pointed out that I'm probably enjoying it quite so much because I'm not in a depressed haze anymore and it's not horribly crowded which is probably true.

I don't know, I just.....I like this, it's comfortable. No one's upset, we're al realxed and happy and enjoying ourselves.

This doesn't happen as often as it should.

It makes me happy.

And I have nothing else to say really, I just realized that I never got the chance to babble happily about that sort of thing. So yeah. *shrug.
driveustobemad: (Not happy with this treatment)
Mycroft is damn lucky that he scares me and I like him. I just spent more money than one really should getting that man an umbrella so he won't be tipping over when hes out.

I really wish he could just get over his issues and use a damn cane. His life would be so much easier if he did but noooo, he doesn't want to admit that there's anything wrong.

And it's like, I can't....blame him exactly Well, I can but I understand it. Admitting you have any kind of a handicap is hard but seriously? Accept some fucking help. Talk to someone. Just get something to help you out.

I think I'm feeling more tetchy because he and John marked the body in a realy obvious place while Mor was here and I have to wear my collar now, whether I want to or not. Luckily I was doing all but showering in it at this point but I have to wear it to cover up the marks that I'm....still not sure won''t leave a scar.

I'm just peevish. Mrahmrahmrah.

But Peter and El are adorable, that is something that needs to be noted, They are sweet and darling and make me so, so happy and seriously, Elizabeth does wonderful things for the rest of us, she really does. She brings our spirits up and I am so, so happy to have her around.
driveustobemad: (Notes)
I feel like an update is needed but there's been so mch going on within the headspace lately that I'm not entirely sure where to start.

Mycroft is not doing well. He's not really functioning and has been drugged up and sleeping since Monday. I can't blame him really.

Dorian is doing well, at least, there's defintiely that. He's happy and in the holiday spirit when he remembers the holiday exists.

Other people are doing well, so I'm not complaining. I'm tired personally and not doing well but other people are helping out and letting me lean on them, which is all I can really ask for.
driveustobemad: (it's crowded today)
We need to figure out who all is doing NaNo this year so we can try and plan meetups. I know Dorian and I are doing it and I kind of want to see if I can get Helen to do it, although I don't think she will. The Twit will defintiely do it and some of the Story might.

I think Wednesday might tkae part and I'[d love to see Saturday's book, though I don't know if she'd actually make it through the month.

Nikola's NaNo would be awesome and I don't know. People. I will take a poll later tonight or tomorrow I think, and see who's up for it this year. The Caretaker really wants me to do it, as sshe thinks it will be good for me to write more than my five hundred per day (which I've been slacking on anyway) so I know i'm bound to do it between that and old habits.

So yes. We will see. There may be a list here in a while.
driveustobemad: (Love!)
Her name is Saoirse
driveustobemad: (Love!)
The Caretaker n(Or Cece, depending on who you are) is settling in well. She's curled up in the front right now, being calm and quiet and trying to help me push away the bad thoughts that have been trying to eat at me all day.

She's a good thing, I think, she's kind to me and smart and smug and challenging and mothering all at once. This is what I need, I think, this is what will help.

She's going to work on the Forest while I sleep, turning it into more of a shield than anything. She says she would have me do it while I'[m awake but my anxiety levels have been so bad lately that it will probably be easier for her to do it while I'm sleeping.

I never thought of these things, having shields and things li8ke that. I never thought i needed them.

I feel kind of like the little one in that regard, I don't know, it was just odd.

She's going to talk to Aurora and Catnip about maybe being protectors. There's no one who really does that, not really. n But those two can protect me and she'd especi8ally want Aurora for her magic.

All of these things are changing in my head, it'[s a big rush of shifting but I...don't know. Not in a bad way./ It feels natural, so I guess that means it's a good thing. *shrug* We'll see, I guess.

Anyway, there should be sleep. I want to get up early tomorrow and Nick says he got me a surprise while he was out the other day. l...have no idea what it is but I am kind0 of nervous. He already got me one thing that I am just amazed with, I can only imagine what the other thing is.
driveustobemad: (Resolving things (Or not))
So, things went bad a couple of days ago and there was...not an overdose exactly but a lot more medication than I really needed to take.

It was not a very good day, not at all.

Nick and William have the pills now. I don't know where they are. They're taking the meds for me now unt9l we all feel like I'm in a better place so that I won't do it again.

*curls up and sighs* Guys, I'm tired of not being in control. I stopped thinking for a few minutes, just turned my7 mind off for a little while and that's what happened. I want to be able to do that and not worry that I am going to fuck up and be crazy.

Nick says that I shouldn't put so m8uch pressure on myself, that being able to do thing slike that take time.

I just don't know how much time it will take.
driveustobemad: (Pang of guilt)
I need to accept the fact that I need other people.

It's okay to need them, it does not make me a bad person. They are there to help.

I'm just...I don't know. Not scared exactly but nervous? I've had normal things drilled into me too much to feel comfortable doing it, I think.

Luckily I';m getting help. Nick and William are helping m out and being wonderful people and I adore them with everything i have and I would be lost without them.

I just....I don't know. I'm a happier person when I take a day off. I'm a saner person when I go inside and curl up on someone instead of staying out and trying to deal with my crazy there. I'm a better, more functional person when I give myself a break.

But somehow, there's a part of me that says no, I don't deserve that. I should take care of things myself, I should be able to do this. I just....need to shut that part of me up.

I long ago accepted the fact that I'm not making this up, that somehow, I'm just imagining things or whatever. Now I need to accept the fact that it's okay to let them help me.
driveustobemad: (Love!)
Dorian's birthday gift came in. Man, I want oreos really, really badly.
driveustobemad: (Point to the story)
Nick and William are still awesome. This is just going to be a part of my facts of life. Those two are brilliant.

And now the real reason I am updating:

NO Theta, we can't go play with the dogs. I need to write today. I need to write and possibly get a shower and neither of those things can happen if you are playing with puppies.

You can sleep with detroit tonight through, if it will make you feel better. *sigh*

I don't know what that boy is going to do when we move out and i d9on't have a dog anymore. Well, until he forgets that we had one, anyway.
driveustobemad: (it's crowded today)
Oh god, the last few days have sucked.

There are not enough words to say how much I am so over the downspell.

Nick and William are over it too, not in any way towards me but more in a 'Oh god, you don't deserve this' kind of way which is kind of nice because I...yeah, am at a point where I do feel like i deserve this.

Yaaay poor brain functioning.

We've been playing hot potato with the front since yesterday, the boys dealing with anything that involves me leaving this room (and I mean anything I'd feel bad about it but I get too panicky thinking about leaving). I went out and got dinner by myself today though, everyone was very proud.

S!Neal split a couple of days ago. I don't really know where he went or when he'll be back. William caught him on his way out and he said he'll be back just...not really that soon. Which y'know, I'm not going to blame him. He needs to do what makes him feel good at this point, and if that's going off and pretending to be someone else for a while, then I say go for it.

P!Helen's been here a lot lately, ever since the whole thing with Neal, really, which isn't shocking. She's been settled in a corner with her house on and off, poking about and generally enjoying herself. I kind of miss proper Helen, as P!Helen doesn't take quite as kindly to being curled up on but she'll come back in time, I just need to be patient.

Vincent is still Vincent. I don't know. XD he's hanging out and being himself. He keeps providing me with random bits of amusement which is nice. I...almost want to curl up on him sometimes, then I realize he would not actually take kindly to it, so I stick with Nick and William instead.

So yeah, that is...kind of the state of the headspace right now. I'm breaking on a regular basis and everyone else is getting by or helping me out. Woosh.

Now I am going to wander off and read until someone decides they want to try sleeping tonight (we've been flipping coins to see who does it at this point).
driveustobemad: (Fuck everything)
*curls up and hides from fucking everything*

I am going to kill the science corner.
driveustobemad: (Apology icon)
But I really, really need all of this to be over.

I didn't think about showering because...I don't know. I was stupid. Everything got significantly worse when he went off to shower and had that time to think but somehow, I just didn't think that would transfer over to me and just...It did, it totally did.

I'm a big ball of sickness and tenseness and headspinnyness and ohgodddddd.

Neal isn't even in the verse right now, he's in Poly which is reallyreally nice but this whole thing just seems to be really good at drawing physical reacti8ons out of the body and it's getting to be really problematic and just....I don't know.

There is a part of me that is seriously debating the merits of talking to my mother and asking her to let Morgan come for a few days so the boys can get through the two seasons and I can function like a person again.
driveustobemad: (Pang of guilt)
Yeah, I don't know that I'm going to be able to sit through the show.

My head is spinning and I'm tense all over and oh god, I feel like I'm about to cry. *headdesk* Neal isn't even in the front right now.

I'm just....going to do things. Thingy things. Things that aren't watching this show.
driveustobemad: (Apology icon)
My body is still sore from the sheer amount of tension from this weekend. I just...Don't even know.

Neal and Peter watched stuff and it just went horribly wrong and totally kick-started Neal's obsessive tendencies and it was just not good. Helen wound up needing to sedate him and we were left feeling utterly sick and it wa such a miserable thing.

I don't know. I feel horribly bad over it there just isn't much we can do until we get the chance to let Neal finish the show and that's not going to happen without Peter around and that's not going to happen until I get a place to live or my mother goes out for another few days.

Mrah. Just mrah.

On the other hand, we all did get to see how much of a magnificent bastard Vincent is, which makes me smile and facepalm because hr really is a fucking ass. I would be more annoyed but seriously? He was making us laugh when we really, really needed it.

Helen, as per usual, was absolutely amazing. She whippe3d up something to help out and is now kind of curious to see about a few different things within the headspace. Family experiements ahoy! I don't particularly mind and I'm kind of interested to see her results. It should be interesting.

In other news, Peter and El are still adorable and Peter and Neal were really sweet when Neal wasn't having an existential crisis, so at least there's that. Or something. I don't know.

Hi, I'm doing this to kill time before White Collar and this post potentially gets a lot longer than what it actually is.

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Solace and co

August 2012

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