[TW: SI, body hatred, meds]
Jun. 3rd, 2012 08:06 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
Fuck me, I hate my body right now. I just got done having a near panic attack due to overcaffeination because I don't think my body takes caffeien the way it used to before I switched my drugs.
I just clawed the shit out of my left arm with my knife and god, it felt good. it was soothing and my heart is calmer and the tension that I got roj my mother telling me I was wasting my time is gone. I know it's not good and William is going to kill me if I buy the sharpening stone like I want to, but god, this si the only thing that works sometimes.
I mean, he is happier with e scratchign myself with a slightly dull knife than he is with me going at myself with scalpeols or razor blades but still, he'd rather I not do...ahny of it.
Which y'know, kicks in my guilt and just....a big mess.
I am just not...having a good week.
I am going to probably make tea, tea and bread and calm down a little more and try and earm the fucking space I take up bcause right now I feel like I should just either burn the world down or curl u under my desk and never come out again.
no subject
Date: 2012-06-04 01:51 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-06-04 05:02 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-06-04 11:48 am (UTC)We do what we need to survive until we learn better ways to survive.
no subject
Date: 2012-06-04 08:00 pm (UTC)You don't need to "earn" your space. You deserve space by default, always. But I understand the feeling, I get it a lot too... But you, the space of you, your space, is beautiful and worthy, I promise.